Fat Cats
4 months ago
I cannot recall a time when I tried to write anything purely from a woman's perspective. Obvious reasons aside, I figured it was time to stretch myself in these 30 minute writing challenges and write stuff I normally do all in my power to avoid.
I must confess that I found it to be really fun. Here's my go at it.
Hesitation“I... I need to go to the toilet,” Adele said, her heart racing faster than she ever thought possible now. John froze absurdly, his lips protruding out expectantly and a look of confusion on his face.“Really? Right now?” he inquired, as if her bowels could change their mind. She blushed stupidly for a moment before forcing herself up. In the blink of an eye the bathroom door slammed shut and John swore quietly under his breath.Why now? Why was she hesitating? She’d had strong feelings for John for years. This was exactly what she’d wanted. Even then, while staring anxiously at her own reflection, she could still see John’s heart-meltingly green eyes looking back into hers. She immediately started hating herself for risking John forever associating kissing her with going to the toilet.She was so pathetic. He was so... understanding of her many faults. She didn’t deserve him. Her mind danced with images of John going to the movies with Kathryn, or having a sleep over with Leia. Just the thought of John being with anyone else made her sick to her stomach, but the thought of her being by his side made her feel oddly guilty, as though her mere proximity to him would somehow diminish all that she loved about him.“Hellooo?” John’s voice called with a gentle rap on the bathroom door, “are you okay?”Oh gosh, how long had she been staring into that cursed mirror? She had just left John back there and knowing him, he had probably been worrying about her the whole time.“Yes! Yes, I’m fine. I just -”She looked at the freakishly white toilet lid. She hadn’t been lying before when she said she needed to go, but she’d wasted all her time moping at a darn mirror.“I’m coming out now.”She’d have to hold it. She’d rather that than having John think she were some sort of... long... toilet going to... person. With a fake flush she straightened her hair and opened the door.She stopped dead in her tracks to find her face no more than one inch from John’s. He was leaning against the door frame, looking at her with that familiar understanding smile. Adele’s face went a deep crimson and her eyes reflexively fixed upon a rather dull light just behind John’s head.“I’m sorr -”John lips, softer than she’d ever imagined, pressed lightly into her own. All thought melted into blissful nothingness. It was like every good feeling she had ever felt all collided in her chest at the same time. Her heart exploded with excitement and yet every muscle relaxed, sedated by the sheer perfection of the moment.But she relaxed too much and her legs buckled without warning. With a dull thud her rear end made contact with the golden strip dividing the bathroom and living room floor. Any happiness she had just felt was immediately replaced by utter humiliation and self-loathing.With a hearty laugh, John kneeled down beside her and cupped her chin forcing her to make eye contact with him.“You’re kinda clumsy, huh?”By Luke Orrin
A little unoriginal, I know, but how'd I go at writing a chick?
18 Comments:
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
However, for a piece actively trying to get 'away from yourself' by writing through a woman - ironically, I think this one is the one you've projected yourself onto the most.
Also, what's he doing stalking her in the toilet? Why can't he just leave to... you know, do whatever it is she has to do. Who knocks on the door unless they want to come in?
Honestly i think you can do 10x better, this one isn't a patch on 'Old Cabin'. Maybe just write for a real human (maybe even someone you know) rather than a female disney character. I mean, if in your mind's eye she has big eyes which are avoiding your gaze off to the side, partly covered by a soft fringe which hides her beautiful face then you're dong it wrong.
I gave a full comment on the relevant post.
If you found it patronizing you must hate the Disney classics. :P
"YAH! GIVE ME WHAT I WANT!" said John as he karate-kicked the door down.
"Shut up, lady," John said in his smooth silky voice as he shot her with a taser gun. Whilst being tasered on the toilet was not the most ideal moment, she was just irrationally glad for John to be paying her any attention at all.
Thinking about it, I like the scene, I like the characters and since this was written in 30 minutes with no prior planning or ideas I think it's pretty damn good.
Still, here's to improvements as I go!
Watching a lot of daytime soapies might help too. :P
damn, that felt mean.
but im in a bad mood
The actual characters and the scene were secondary to me. I should at least take comfort that the criticisms seem focused on the secondary aspects of this text.
this female character i see too much, and im highly critical of her.